getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We have started to decorate penises.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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