wrigley field is MILF paradise
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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