omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
