My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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