I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
