I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
