dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
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