p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
