just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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