i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
