Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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