Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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