I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
