Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
