He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
