We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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