He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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