I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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