he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
