so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
and she was petting her beer can
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
