Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
