i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
