i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
