I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
