Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
