Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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