i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
