Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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