Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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