found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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