I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Welp...herpes.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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