I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Randomize
