Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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