I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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