Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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