right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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