i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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