we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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