Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
