life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
