Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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