I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
