haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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