the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
