I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
