You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Drunk is a universal language darling
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
