I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
