I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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