i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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