Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
